alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
