careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
