"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
