hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
