Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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