dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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