I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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