I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
