I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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