im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
