i think my tv is drunk
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
we're making bets on your personal life
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
