Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
