he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
