you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
