I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
