Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
