how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
