the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
