im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
