I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
