oh god the rape fog is back!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
