I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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