did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
