so that wasnt chicken after all
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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