are you still at the devil's house?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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