I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
