Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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