He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
