We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
