my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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