If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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