$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
