awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
