i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
