last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
