There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
