Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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