I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
