I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
