He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
