I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
