His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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