Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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