there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
