I bet he comes in French.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
