I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
