Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
