found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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