I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
