she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
