I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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