I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
